Logging Off

Trying to avoid technology in a world run by it.

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  • The Wolf and the Boulder

    Today was another tricky one but overall easier than some of my previous days. I spent my day at home today as the snow we got recently prevented me from traveling to school. It’s a tough thing for me to stay at home alone. It feels sometimes like I’m the only one living, like life stops when I’m by myself. Maybe that’s depression talking, but I thrive on human contact (despite my social anxiety). Relationships with other people are what makes me feel part of a bigger whole. Like a cog in an ever-growing machine that is humanity. However small my specific cog is in this life doesn’t matter. What matters is that I feel like I’m a part of something bigger than my own selfish ideas and motivations.

    This feeling I get when alone at home is a lot like the feeling I get when lost in the void of technology. There’s a distinct disconnect between me and the greater whole. It feels as though my cog’s fallen off the track, but the machine works just the same. There was this narrative created that’s associated with technology that says you’ll feel more connected for having used it. In some aspects that may be true, but I think the disconnect I feel when lost in the countless and mindless sea of useless knowledge feels more like a tear in the fabric that holds us together. This tear gets bigger and more fractured the more we give into that urge to just forget the world. We lie to ourselves to make it make sense, but it doesn’t. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we feel this constant need for disconnection? For me, it’s to avoid stress, to avoid the pressures of life when those pressures bear down on us like a stone that outweighs me ten to one. It’s an impossible feat to try to move that boulder, but ignoring it for a quick hit of dopamine feels a lot like admitting defeat, and I don’t like admitting defeat. The world is cruel, it chews us up like wolves do sheep. It eats away at what makes us human. What makes us whole. So do we just let it, or do we try to fight that wolf? Try to move that boulder? What seems like an impossible task I’m learning, is not all that impossible when we stop and take a breath. The wolf will get tired, the boulder will give way, but only if we fight back.

  • Life; A Story That Needs to be Read

    So I’ve shelved my reading of A Tale of Two Cities for another day. It just wasn’t gripping me like I thought it would, so now I’m going on a different adventure, one called IT. The Stephen King doorstopper of a book was one that I picked up a while ago but put off reading for a long time. I think it’s now time to take the plunge into the 1100+ page epic story. IT is one of those stories that completely enveloped me as soon as I picked it up. As daunting a task as reading this book is, I feel a sense of necessity when reading IT. It’s a strange book to read while taking on this never-ending challenge, as I feel the same guttural regret when I read this book as I do when I start another dreaded day of no technology. It’s not a regret like “I forgot to go to the store today” or “I should’ve talked to that cute girl”. It’s more like the regret you feel when quitting an addicting substance or stop seeing that toxic girlfriend. It’s a yearning that never goes away for that thing that felt so necessary to you. I’m currently 86 pages into It, which feels poetically similar to the stage I’m at in my no technology journey.

    It feels as though I’m lost at sea with no hope in sight. No boats, no land. And my legs are getting tired. But for some reason I can’t quite explain, it feels as though there’s a ship just out of sight, so close I can smell its smokestacks pumping toxic fumes into the air, or hear the engine puttering along, just loud enough to muffle my cries. While holding out hope feels exhausting and never-ending, it is also necessary. Hope is a feeling that few people truly feel in today’s age. With all that’s going on in the world, it feels pointless. Does that ship really lay just out of sight, or am I being delusional?

    Life is a constant swirl of ups and downs, lefts and rights, fronts and backs. No two roads lead the same way, even though many people end up at the same destination. Hopelessness. It’s a destination we all dread arriving at, but one we all end up at one way or another. When we reach this Hopelessness Avenue, it almost feels like home. Feels like maybe it’s where we’ve been heading this whole time and just didn’t know it. The truth though (although it’s hard to notice while we’re there) is that this Hopelessness Avenue is only a detour. A destination that sometimes feels like a living and breathing purgatory. We’re never meant to stay though, just stop in and say hi. Hope is just up the hill, if we just stop and listen. You can hear it if you’re really quiet, that boat that felt ever so far away. It’s just up the hill, just over the horizon. You just have to listen.

  • A Sea of Pixels

    I’ll be honest, I’ve been dreading writing this post. There hasn’t been much progress and my motivation is waning. I feel the pull of technology constantly. My body aches with the knowledge that I still have 5 more days of this. This tells me one of two things. One is that this is what withdrawals must feel like, and two is that if i want to finish strong I have to change things up. How do I do that though? How do I make this fun when all the “fun” things I do involve technology? More questions that I don’t have the answers to.

    Time goes by so slow when you stop to think. It feels as though I’m looking through the eyes of someone else and seeing a world that’s not my own. There’s an agonizing dread that comes with this feeling of looking out on a world I don’t recognize. It feels as though my foots been run over by a car and I don’t even feel it. I walk through the world with static skin and fuzzy thoughts. I make this challenge sound really fun, don’t I? While I’m not having fun right now, I do believe I’m at a crossroads. I could revert and go back to my life of complacency, or I could go down the road I’ve never seen before. The one that leads hopefully to enlightenment. This is what keeps me going, as I’ve had many moments throughout the day (especially now) that all I want to do is pull out my phone and rot for hours. The key word here is rot. While my body stays its normal self, my mind melts into the bottom of my skull to the point where all I can digest is funny cat videos and people falling over drunk. My brain is currently fighting for its life as I write this, trying to pull itself together long enough for me to write something borderline cohesive. My brain fights with me now as all it wants to do is stare endlessly into a sea of pixels. I fight it though. It almost feels like going for a really long run. When I go for a run, I have to constantly tell myself to “just get to that next tree” or “just one more mile”. While in an earlier post I referred to this challenge as a war, I compare it now to a marathon. While running the marathon, it feels like it’ll never end, but it does, eventually. I myself have never run a marathon, but I imagine that’s what it’s like. I only compare this challenge to running marathons because both feel equally impossible to me. There seems to be no end in sight, but if I keep my head up, I might just see it on the horizon.

  • The Stars Just Might Hold the Answers

    What do you do when your day just doesn’t seem to end? What do you do when life feels at a standstill? While I don’t have the answers to these questions just yet, I hope to answer them in the preceding posts. I hope to answer these questions as they are ones I’ve been asking myself for too long. Too long have I waited for the answers to appear to me by divine intervention or otherwise. I’ve decided, although I am opposed to this way of thinking, to impose the ideology of Neo-Liberalism unto myself. For those who don’t know, Neo-Liberalism in the most basic terms is the idea of self sufficiency. It is basically every man for themselves. While it is normally used as a governmental term, it has also been used by redundant self-help speakers and authors. While I do not like this ideology as it casts a wide blanket over large groups, I believe it can help me get through this challenge I’ve created for myself

    Day 4 of this challenge was a tricky one as there are no clear progressions in my ways of thinking or being, but there have been real changes. I started my day way too late, having not been able to get an ample amount of sleep the night before, so I was already off to a rocky start. On top of that, and on top of all the houses and roads, there was snow. SNOW! I was not ready nor prepared for that. Luckily, my dad graciously allowed me to borrow his truck for my trek across town-lines to school. It was lucky I had it because the roads were less than ideal. I ventured into thick fog that threatened to eat me whole, and avoided spines of snow piled in the middle of the lanes that emulated a skunks white stripe. While lost in the fog of the road, I was lost in the fog of my mind, creating worlds unknown to anyone but myself. I created monsters and people that only I knew. I played God in these made up worlds while the real God (or whatever divine being might be out there) tested my driving skills. I successfully evaded all of God’s attempts to stifle my venture and made it to campus. Upon arriving, I was met with a new friend who we’ll call Tim. Tim is someone that I net during DnD that has quickly turned into a reliable source of all things fantasy and science. He has a brilliant mind that I hope to pick one day if my knowledge ever reaches his heights.

    After our brief discussion in class, I made my way to my favorite place to sit and relax. Though it is not quiet by any means, it is a space that allows me to feel connected to something bigger than myself. I usually spend my time there catching up on homework, but as I was “unplugged” for the day, I instead spent my time reading. I’ve recently picked up the classic novel A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It is a challenging read, but the thing that keeps me going is my grandfather. He passed away about a year ago, and I got the chance to pick out some of his books I liked. One of them was A Tale of Two Cities. I feel a special connection to him when I read this book, so I feel an obligation to see it through to the end, just as he did so long ago. As if this previously spoken of divine being was hearing me, I was met with a flower pressed between two pages of the book. Upon seeing this flower, I was taken right back to the times when my grandfather had me help plant these flowers in his garden. He was a man of many talents, but his passion was always gardening. He loved it so much that he continued planting right up until his passing. To me, it was a reminder that not only was a divine presence watching over me, but right along side was all of my lost loved ones. It reminded me to look up, not only at the stars, but the things that lay between them. That empty space, that feels, not so empty anymore.

  • Stay Busy or Die a Zombie

    Although this is now my 3rd installment of my No Network experiment, it still hasn’t gotten any easier. I found myself up late the night before, trying to stock up on blue light in hopes that I would overload myself and, in turn, not want to even touch my phone the next day. I was wrong. Instead, I was a walking and talking zombie who might as well have been dead to the world. I walked through the day in a dreamlike state, counting down the hours, minutes and seconds I had to continue on with this torture.

    “Stay busy” quickly became my mantra for the day. As long as my legs were moving and my mind was busy, I couldn’t possibly have time to think about using my phone. Wrong again. Although I stayed busy, I found myself humming along to songs that played in my head. The first signs of psychopathy were setting in. I was losing it. No longer was I just a walking and talking zombie, I was now a walking, talking and humming zombie. The best kind of zombie, one that liked Rock music. While I fought off the parasitic invites to dine at the endless blue light cafe, I had thoughts of my more productive hobby; reading. I had been closing in on the final chapters of one of my new favorite books: Misery by Stephen King. The climax was about to hit and I could almost taste it. I spent much of my time during the second half of the day being transported by the words of King. Upon finishing the book, many feelings clogged my throat like bile creeping up, daring to escape. My first thought was one of inspiration. Stephen King’s writing had awoken my primordial storytelling soul. All I wanted to do was write. But my second thought quenched that fire brewing in my stomach and chest. Now a state of fear washed over me, “What do I do now?” was all I could think.

    Although part of me screamed to just pick up my phone already and bask in the light of a thousand posts, the louder and more dominant part yelled to pick up another book. So I indulged in the latter. I picked up another book and got to reading. Although I am invested in this new book, it feels not unlike cheating on your girlfriend. After spending so much time with one book, especially one you really enjoy, it feels wrong to move on so quickly. So the thoughts came back. Things like “Just dip your toes in, you won’t drown” or “Don’t forget about me, your most loyal lover”. These thoughts were harder to evade, but I dodged and I weaved, feeling like Rocky Balboa getting pummeled by Apollo Creed. No matter what I did I couldn’t avoid the punches. I thought of tapping out many times, but to my surprise my body wasn’t done fighting just yet. So I kept fighting. I fought nonstop up until I closed my eyes and let sleep take me into my midnight slumber.

  • The Long Ride

    My second day on this ever regretful journey was a little more taxing than the first. I say regretful only because I am looking to the many more days to come of this prison of my own making. The reality is that I have never felt more free than I do now having started the purge that is technology. The benefits of technology are not lost to me. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to write this without technology. I guess I could write on paper, but then how would I distribute? The reality is that as of now, technology rules our lives. Everywhere we turn there’s either a new ad being put up, a new movie being released, or (god forbid) new advancements to AI. This is what scares me most. Technology is weaving its fabric into ours. We can no longer live without it. Or can we? I guess that’s what I aim to find out through this series of blogs.

    As I said earlier, my 2nd day of no technology did not go as smooth as I had hoped. What looked to me like an easy and calm day at work and later DnD night at the college turned into a storm of insurmountable proportions, but I was up to the challenge. My day started at work. I filed paperwork, talked to clients and all the other boring unimportant things you can think of. It was simple, at first. Then the storm hit. The storm that was my first draft of a paper due for my Media, Society and Culture class. Admittedly I had procrastinated doing the paper until the last minute. As most of you may know, some of the best work comes from procrastination (not). I had to write the paper and I had to write it fast. Although it was only the first draft I still wanted it to be presentable. Luckily my boss (my father) allowed me to take some time to work on it. This was my first infraction. As I had predicted before heading into this challenge, I would have some hiccups. Although I did use my computer to write my paper, I don’t think it took away from the challenge. I was still able to stay off my phone after many close calls of almost pulling my phone out during bathroom breaks and lunch time. This is what I am most proud of as my phone is still one of my main distractions during the day. Even now I sit here next to it and I can hear its call. “just five minutes” it says to me, whispering like the ring whispers to Gollum. We all know how 5 minutes can quickly turn into an hour if we’re not careful. It sits there, trying to sneak a taste of my delicious attention. Still, I persist.

    My second and final infraction of the day came late at night after a long and exciting session of Dungeons and Dragons. My whole hour-long ride to Presque Isle was spent daydreaming at the wheel. I thought of everything from past mistakes to future ones. I also came up with what I think are some pretty intriguing story ideas. I have my past self to thank for those when he thought whole days of no technology would be fun. I had a great time at DnD with some new found friends though, and I have my day of no technology to thank for that as well. I would not have been able to live in the moment quite as much if I had been lost in the timeless space of infinite mind numbing information only hours before. My second infraction comes at this moment. After all the fun of DnD had come to a close, it was now time to make the long and arduous trip back home. I did try to keep the music off, but after much back and forth in my head, I decided my own safety was more important than this task I had bestowed upon myself. I turned on the loudest and fastest Rock music I could find. I blasted my eardrums with the heavy drums, fast riffing guitars and borderline impossible vocals of my favorite bands. I dared my speakers to pop along with my eardrums the whole way home. And I have to admit, I loved it. After a long day of silence, I was long overdue for the sweet nectar of Rock and Roll. Even after my two infractions to my self imposed rules, I have to say, I had a very productive day. I got a lot of work done, had many meaningful interactions with friends and family, and had a smile on my face the whole time. Ignoring my pessimistic outlook on my future days of no technology, I believe I have had a very eye opening and meaningful experience so far. I only hope it lasts.

  • Logging Off Day 1

    For this blog, I’ve decided to embark on a journey of self exploration by purging my life of all unwanted distractions. That means no phone, no TV, no internet. This is a challenge I’ve wanted to give myself for a long time, because, like most other people my age, technology is ruling my world. It’s sunk its teeth into my malleable soul and is not letting go. My journey started the night before.

    Before closing my eyes on a night that was already escaping me, I felt the pull. The pleading from my phone, begging me to not close my eyes just yet. It’s a feeling that plagues me almost every night. My nights usually go long into the early morning hours and leave me fatigued before the days even started. It’s something that has corrupted me for most of my adult life. This feeling that I’m wasting time by going to bed at a normal hour. My day of reckoning had come however, a day of my own creation. I would face this demon that I call my phone, and I would win. This battle was not one you might see in The Lord Of The Rings however. This battle felt like one I was never meant to win. One that was meant to show me just how weak I was.

    I went into it with reasonable expectations though. This demon I was fighting was one made of addiction. One I couldn’t see, but instead feel. And I did feel it, looming in the crux of my soul. I felt it all day in fact. The only true reprieve was found in written word. Many hours of my day were spent staring at a word, a page, a book. It was a small relief, but it was enough. My demon came to nibble on those sweet words, but as long as I avoided its gaze, I was safe. My demon was strongest in the silence. Silence to everyone else, but to me, a never-ending stream of regrets and mistakes. My demon was back to darken my door, and he wasn’t going away. I found reprieve once again in the safety of my family. Keeping me preoccupied, I was able to subdue the demon’s urges once again, with the help of my family. Leaving my family, I felt my demon once again. Being alone was the toughest challenge. I was never really alone though. I had addiction to keep me company. He’s not a friend you want to bring to a party, but he was there nonetheless. After much back and forth between the demon and myself, I caved. I gave in to the cravings and let my demon take the wheel. My body fought back while my mind was away. I held my phone in my hand for what felt like an eternity, not daring to open it, knowing what waited for me on the other side. Much to my surprise, by body won the battle. I had staved off the enemy once again. A well earned victory. I had fallen asleep knowing that I had one the battle, but not the war.

  • Logging Off Day 1

    For this blog, I’ve decided to embark on a journey of self exploration by purging my life of all unwanted distractions. That means no phone, no TV, no internet. This is a challenge I’ve wanted to give myself for a long time, because, like most other people my age, technology is ruling my world. It’s sunk it’s teeth into my malleable soul and is not letting go. My journey started the night before.

    Before closing my eyes on a night that was already escaping me, I felt the pull. The pleading from my phone, begging me to not close my eyes just yet. It’s a feeling that plagues me almost every night. My nights usually go long into the early morning hours and leave me fatigued before the days even started. It’s something that has corrupted me for most of my adult life. This feeling that I’m wasting time by going to bed at a normal hour. My day of reckoning had come however, a day of my own creation. I would face this demon that I call my phone, and I would win. This battle was not one you might see in The Lord Of The Rings however. This battle felt like one I was never meant to win. One that was meant to show me just how weak I was.

    I went into it with reasonable expectations though. This demon I was fighting was one made of addiction. One I couldn’t see, but instead feel. And I did feel it, looming in the crux of my soul. I felt it all day in fact. The only true reprieve was found in written word. Many hours of my day were spent staring at a word, a page, a book. It was a small relief, but it was enough. My demon came to nibble on those sweet words, but as long as I avoided its gaze, I was safe. My demon was strongest in the silence. Silence to everyone else, but to me, a never-ending stream of regrets and mistakes. My demon was back to darken my door, and he wasn’t going away. I found reprieve once again in the safety of my family. Keeping me preoccupied, I was able to subdue the demon’s urges once again, with the help of my family. Leaving my family, I felt my demon once again. Being alone was the toughest challenge. I was never really alone though. I had addiction to keep me company. He’s not a friend you want to bring to a party, but he was there nonetheless. After much back and forth between the demon and myself, I caved. I gave in to the cravings and let my demon take the wheel. My body fought back while my mind was away. I held my phone in my hand for what felt like an eternity, not daring to open it, knowing what waited for me on the other side. Much to my surprise, by body won the battle. I had staved off the enemy once again. A well earned victory. I had fallen asleep knowing that I had one the battle, but not the war.