Logging Off

For this blog, I’ve decided to embark on a journey of self exploration by purging my life of all unwanted distractions. That means no phone, no TV, no internet. This is a challenge I’ve wanted to give myself for a long time, because, like most other people my age, technology is ruling my world. It’s sunk its teeth into my malleable soul and is not letting go. My journey started the night before.

Before closing my eyes on a night that was already escaping me, I felt the pull. The pleading from my phone, begging me to not close my eyes just yet. It’s a feeling that plagues me almost every night. My nights usually go long into the early morning hours and leave me fatigued before the days even started. It’s something that has corrupted me for most of my adult life. This feeling that I’m wasting time by going to bed at a normal hour. My day of reckoning had come however, a day of my own creation. I would face this demon that I call my phone, and I would win. This battle was not one you might see in The Lord Of The Rings however. This battle felt like one I was never meant to win. One that was meant to show me just how weak I was.

I went into it with reasonable expectations though. This demon I was fighting was one made of addiction. One I couldn’t see, but instead feel. And I did feel it, looming in the crux of my soul. I felt it all day in fact. The only true reprieve was found in written word. Many hours of my day were spent staring at a word, a page, a book. It was a small relief, but it was enough. My demon came to nibble on those sweet words, but as long as I avoided its gaze, I was safe. My demon was strongest in the silence. Silence to everyone else, but to me, a never-ending stream of regrets and mistakes. My demon was back to darken my door, and he wasn’t going away. I found reprieve once again in the safety of my family. Keeping me preoccupied, I was able to subdue the demon’s urges once again, with the help of my family. Leaving my family, I felt my demon once again. Being alone was the toughest challenge. I was never really alone though. I had addiction to keep me company. He’s not a friend you want to bring to a party, but he was there nonetheless. After much back and forth between the demon and myself, I caved. I gave in to the cravings and let my demon take the wheel. My body fought back while my mind was away. I held my phone in my hand for what felt like an eternity, not daring to open it, knowing what waited for me on the other side. Much to my surprise, by body won the battle. I had staved off the enemy once again. A well earned victory. I had fallen asleep knowing that I had one the battle, but not the war.